They tend to drain the people around them of their energy. The game is "Me Against the World". | Rather than affection, we are exposed to unhealthy enmeshment, chronic rage, and egregious boundary-breaking. We derive our initial sense of our self-worth from how she cares for us, nurtures us, protects and shields us from harm. The drama of the gifted child: The search for the true self. Because of these fears, people with BPD are more likely to have suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming themselves. Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissism. These differences can be difficult to discern, but perhaps the more important issue is how you feel as their child. People with both types of disorders may have very low self-worth. What is a narcissist? 3. She never had a career, which was part of the era she grew up in, but she never asked about mine. Notable among these differences is that for people with BPD, the major fear is of abandonment whereas, for people with NPD, they mostly fear the loss of their narcissistic supply. Borderline Personality Disorder refers to a particular type of repeated behaviors characterized by the following symptoms as reported in the DSM IV: Ad. Borderline personality disorder. Co-existing personality disorders or other psychological conditions make diagnosis and treatment more complicated. Here's. The neutral sibling walks a delicate balance between the narcissistic parent and the siblings, Thomas said, because they are attempting to be a peacemaker. She destructively compares her children to their peers, teaching them that they fall short in terms of looks, personality, obedient behavior, and accomplishments. Such actions rarely make things better and usually make things worse. The second step is to take steps to build up appropriate boundaries and heal from your own trauma. They are at risk of harming themselves because of their chronic feelings of emptiness. They require others to prop that illusion up along with their self-esteem. Being grateful to your parents is one thing, and being on the hook to fulfill their every request is another. Because of their fear of abandonment, the person with BPD demands that other people focus on their needs, but their extreme mood swings make it difficult for their loved ones to be around them. The primary focus of the book, however, is providing everyone with a borderline mother a concrete course of action, which will help you defend yourself from the instability and emotional pain borderlines sometimes . Ever since I left home, 18 years old, I tried to create something that could never be. There is power in the numbers and as long as you are by yourself it is easier to control you. National Institute of Mental Health. Narcissism intensifies with qualities of APD (or sociopathy) to worsen outcomes. Personality disorders, including borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder, can be difficult to cope with. This is different from individuals with NPD who fear more the loss of their narcissistic supply which props up the false self they created to perform egoic functions. Children of borderlines have much less stable self-concepts. 129. Being born to a mother with one of these issues is like being born into a trap in many ways. Some form of manipulation you might experience from a borderline narcissist parent are . For more detailed info on dealing with gaslighting, see this article, which is applicable to parents as well as bosses . companies. As the child of a narcissist, you are likely to experience various forms of manipulation like gaslighting, scapegoating, and triangulation. People with BPD tend to show the people around them their sense of woundedness and vulnerability. She was going to the big school. Prevalence, correlates, disability, and comorbidity of DSM-IV borderline personality disorder: Results from the Wave 2 National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions. (2008). That happened a few times in their history as my wife told me. is compensated for referring traffic and business to these The task of the child of the borderline is to arrive at a place where you just dont need her as much. Br J Psychiatry. Or, it may refer to someone who has some symptoms of NPD, but not enough for a diagnosis. This is part of the strategy to make you feel guilty and bad about yourself. But in NPD, that leads to egotistical behavior and a lack of empathy. See our resources section for opportunities for coaching and counseling, as well as additional books and courses to overcome narcissistic borderline parents. A good therapist and the blessings of time can make all the difference. As infants, we learn by her example how to bond with others. While there are countless causes of unhealthy mother-daughter relationships, one possible explanation could be that your mom has borderline personality disorder (BDP). Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Her children are objects and must be pristine and polished in every way, lest their reputation or appearance taint her own. Here the need for self-aggrandizement and to be the center of attention dominates the mothers perception of the event. People with BPD frequently change their opinion of themselves and others and their interests. They can also experience significant memory loss of times in their life, people, and events. Trying to explain how you feel and wanting to work out how your relationship could change for the better is like hitting your head against a brick wall. Episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety lasting up to a few days are common for people with BPD. Sometimes. The dependency of the borderline is so great that the child is always seen as coming up short with regard to meeting their needs. Narcissistic borderline parents are prone to hot and cold behavior. liability company headquartered in Washington State, USA. A narcissistic husband can be very difficult to live with, given his inability to empathize with his spouses needs. Reviewed by Kaja Perina. They get that from the people around them and use it to prop up their self-esteem. Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology, 29(5), 393-402. doi:10.1016/j.appdev.2008.06.002. However, as many as 40% of people with BPD may also have narcissistic personality disorder, so people with BPD may also show signs of narcissism. They expect that you will react with the same level of intensity as they do, and they notice when you dont. Anger yields to sadness, which yields to acceptance. The case study literature on the treatment of NPD has primarily centered around the use of modified psychoanalytic techniques and has recognized the challenges of successfully treating the disorder. . Its crucial to understand more fully the similarities and differences between these two personality disorders and how to tell which your mother might have. Living with a family or caretaker who has a mental health disorder can add certain . When I was 58 I cut the cords and became free. Histrionic Personality Disorder vs. BPD: What Are the Differences? They feel entitled to demand from their children unlimited support and service. Both a mother with BPD and one with NPD are capable of emotional and sometimes physical abuse. And it would make me so desperately upset that I almost fell over myself to get her approval back. It helps you understand how these mental conditions overlap and show similar symptoms. Usually, strong willed and independent children will be labeled rotten, while the more compliant child will be labeled the golden children. It was going to be the start of a new life. Find out if you have a narcissist in your life by taking this short quiz. However, there are some therapies that can be effective. Acta Psychiatr Scand. There are differences between grandiose or exhibitionistic narcissists, who are very extroverted, appear confident, and are often critical of their children, and vulnerable narcissists who go about getting their narcissistic supply differently. Signs of a Narcissist | 21 Behaviors of the Classical Narcissist, Uncovering Abusive Narcissists | Signs & Symptoms of Toxic Love, How to Deal with a Narcissistic Parent | Healing When There Is No love, The Gaslighting Narcissistic Boss Employees Survival Guide, Feel like their children owe them for life, Use fear, guilt, or threats to manipulate children, Are threatened by their childrens success, The root of all problems with your parents and family, Errors or misbehavior are exaggerated and amplified over time (like a fish story), Your parents constantly remind your of your mistakes longer after they are no longer relevant, There is always somebody on the naughty list, and if it is your turn they will not let up until another target presents itself. *We may earn a commission for purchases made using our links. You might think of sufferers of BPD as drama queens, because all their emotions are very intense. Borderline mothers see their children as forever obligated to them. 34-66 Your answers indicate your mom has quite a few narcissistic traits, and these traits may be impacting you. Learn more about narcissism and understand better how you are affected. They also drain the people around them of their energy, but thats because they see them as extensions of themselves. There is no definitive answer to this question as it depends on the individual mother and her specific personality traits. Are you struggling with the relationship with your mother? For that reason, children of narcissistic mothers often end up acting as a parent instead of a child. She Doesn't Respect Your Boundaries. Mothers who have borderline children are irritated by their children's accomplishments because they do not want them to be noticed or praised by other people. Children of parents with extreme personality disorders including both narcissism and borderline personality disorder very often have difficult childhoods that can lead to unresolved psychological issues later in life. She shames her children for not accomplishing enough academically, socially, professionally and personally. I cooked for the family on Saturdays. For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database. In other cultures where sexuality is far more restricted, the narcissistic mother may instead attempt to stifle her daughters burgeoning sexuality and punish her for being anything less than abstinent. Spouses and friends are seen as distractions and have the potential to vie for their dominance. "Borderline narcissist" is not a diagnosis. Lucky she had me pushing her to get swimming lessons and compete on the swim team.. Grandiose and vulnerable narcissism in borderline personality disorder. People with NPD, however, do not want to show anyone any of their vulnerabilities. There are a lot of other indications that your mother is a narcissist, but if you recognize those above, the chances are she is. There are differences between grandiose or exhibitionistic narcissists, who are very extroverted, appear confident, and are often critical of their children, and vulnerable narcissists who go about getting their narcissistic supply differently. This form of devaluation can leave a painful imprint; it causes her children to compare themselves to others as a way to evaluate their self-worth. The child of the borderline mother must work to consolidate a conflicted sense of self, and find a way to break free. It was a challenging journey and I could have ended up crumbled, insecure, and unhappy. (2008). Parentchild attachment and internalizing symptoms in childhood and adolescence: A review of empirical findings and future directions. Narcissistic borderline parents will constantly compare them negatively to their golden child siblings. The narcissistic mother micromanages and exerts an excessive level of control over the way her children act and look to the public. Both borderline personality disorder (BPD) and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are cluster B personality disorders, meaning they share some characteristics. Otherwise, I wouldnt get money to live on. They lack empathy and cant see the damage theyre doing to other people. A passive-aggressive personality involves indirect actions to convey negative feelings. Im the creator of Innertoxicrelief.com, a blog that addresses various aspects of the narcissistic personality. Development and Psychopathology, 22(01), 177. doi:10.1017/s0954579409990344, Brumariu, L. E., & Kerns, K. A. . If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. . When our 14-year old dog died I was in bits. Narcissistic borderline parents are the melding of two different personality types. A narcissistic mother is prone to telling her children that the abuse never occurred. They too will manipulate children in order to induce dependency and stifle the childs urge to separate from their parents and live their own lives in a natural way. Not sure? The neutral sibling. American Psychiatric Association. The narcissistic mother is likely to overvalue her own looks and sexual prowess. A mother who is narcissistically defended experiences her daughter's growing independence as a threat. What Is a Passive-Aggressive Personality? This type of ruthless behavior has a damaging impact on our early development as well as the way we navigate the world as adults. 2004;110(6):416-420. doi:10.1111/j.1600-0447.2004.00362.x, Caligor E, Levy KN, Yeomans FE. Medical Reviewers confirm the content is thorough and accurate, reflecting the latest evidence-based research. In a way, mother is like . 1. If you have had a difficult childhood, I highly recommend you pick up a copy of How to be an Adult in Relationships. She redirects the focus to her needs and guilt-trips her children at every sign of perceived disobedience. Though she criticizes them and treats them with contempt behind closed doors, in public she shows her children off as if they were prized possessions. Emotions and empathy are alien territories for a narcissist. Her children walk on eggshells every day, fearful of encountering their mothers rage and punishment. What are the Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder? J Pers Disord. Manage Settings When this initial attachment is instead tarnished by psychological violence, it can leave scars that can take a lifetime to heal. There are differences between grandiose or exhibitionistic narcissists, who are very extroverted, appear confident, and are often critical of their children, and vulnerable narcissists who go about getting their narcissistic supply differently. One older study reported that almost 39% of people with BPD also have NPD. She always told me how much she did for me and therefore I didnt have a choice but to pay her back in services, whenever she told me to. Sufferers of BPD dont have such grandiose delusions; rather they have a profound sense of inadequacy and fear of being abandoned by those they love. Plus, admitting that your mother doesnt love you is a big step for any child. Miller, A. You cant emotionally connect with her. Kristalyn Salters-Pedneault, PhD, is a clinical psychologist and associate professor of psychology at Eastern Connecticut State University. While both NPD and BPD are marked by problems with the proper development of a sense of self, those people with BPD are most afraid of being abandoned. The expert book How to be an Adult in Relationships describes this as a deficiency in the five As attention, Acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing which every child needs to grow up happy and healthy. . With borderline parents, more often than not this one or more of their children. She is more important than you are. While, rotten children are kept under the thumb of their parents disapproval. She took us all out to dinner for my birthday and bought me one of those bouquets from Hawaii. This site is owned and operated by A Seed Forever LLC, a limited They are quick to exhibit their fear of abandonment and use that to emotionally abuse their loved ones. Lets compare the signs of a mother with BPD versus a mother with NPD. The narcissistic mother lacks empathy for the feelings of her children and fails to consider their basic needs. Narcissism and borderline personality disorder are very difficult to treat. People with NPD can be resistant to treatment, and often have poor insight into the ways that their behaviors are detrimental to themselves or others. The offers that appear in this table are from partnerships from which Verywell Mind receives compensation. The child of the narcissist mother must analyze their sense of self and rebuild it without relying on their parent or parent substitute for approval. link to How To Protect Yourself From A Narcissistic Husband In 9 Steps, link to 13 Ways That Narcissists Damage Their Children. Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by the presence of five or more of the following symptoms: In short, people with NPD might be described as being very self-absorbed or egotistical. She violates her childrens basic needs for privacy and autonomy, demanding to know every facet of their lives. It may be used informally to refer to someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD) who also has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). The core traits of narcissistic personality disorder include: a constant need for praise and admiration low capacity to experience and express empathy a pattern of grandiose behaviors and. The borderline mother manipulates her child to be available at all times and take responsibility for her. The narcissistic mothers erratic shift in emotions, her ever-conditional love, her constant shaming tactics and her ruthless comparisons terrorize us, creating a persistent sense of anxiety where safety and security should be. 5. These symptoms make people with BPD very difficult to be around since they have high expectations of their loved ones, and like narcissists, no matter what their loved ones do, it will never be enough. When your parent is a borderline narcissist, they have transit of borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder which make them brutal, selfish, emotionally unavailable, and manipulative. It sounds harsh, but these mothers feel desperately empty and demand that their children be ever available in order to avoid a terrible emptiness. She provokes her children and is sadistically pleased when her put-downs and insults have staying power. She may fail to provide her daughters with the proper education concerning sex and their growing bodies. Not so with the borderline or narcissistic Mother. A borderline parent suffers from borderline personality disorder, which makes them prone to emotional outbursts, experience a deep fear of loss and abandonment, and leads them to emotionally manipulate their children through guilt trips, shame, and gaslighting. When I left home to go to university she forced me to go back each weekend. In addition to the chaotic emotional life and fears of abandonment associated with BPD, a person with co-occurring NPD may also take advantage of or manipulate others while having little empathy for others' concerns. When she arrived at the school she was surprised by all the parents that were there.Why are they all here?, she thought. The effects of that abuse can last a lifetime. The Borderline mother's definition of success is obedience and reinforcement of her child's attachment to her. Healing starts here! How Can I Tell Which One My Mother Has BPD or NPD? a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Romantic Relationships Involving People With BPD. Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is also a Cluster B personality disorder. | Female narcissists exhibit internalized misogyny and often view other females as competition. 1) Unstable interpersonal relationships characterized by idealizing the other person followed by devaluing the same individual. The Mother-in-law Conflict My wife had a dispute with her controlling and narcissistic mother since we've been together. Children of mothers with borderline and narcissistic disorders are likely to have suffered some form of emotional abuse; however, each type of pathology leaves its own unique imprint on the development of the child and the parent-child relationship. Yet again, the child of the narcissist is left feeling invisible. They feel it makes them appear weak. So there is a subset of people with non-remitting BPD and higher rates of NPD. One study that followed BPD patients over six years found that rates of co-occurring NPD were fairly low, about 6%, in patients whose BPD eventually went away (remitted). Other symptoms of BPD include: Especially during times of stress, people with BPD can experience dissociation. Narcissistic abuse takes a terrible toll on your life. People with antisocial personality disorder (sociopaths and psychopaths) have feelings and emotions but sometimes lack empathy and remorse. But after decades of trying to work out what was going on and discovering that my mother is a narcissist has helped me to make choices that are supporting my happiness and well-being. They loathe discussing any fears they have or any flaws. 5 Tactics Your Narcissistic Mother Uses Against You. If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call 911. Yes. 2. The Borderline Narcissistic Mother Psychology Today April 29th, 2018 - Are you the child of a Borderline or Narcissistic mother Not sure It is a complicated topic and while there s overlap this guest blog by Daniel Lobel PhD may help you to tell the difference People with NPD, however, do not want to show anyone any of their vulnerabilities. My mom talks so much .. and I realized that in my life I've learned to shut my ears off. Also, people with NPD may cause more emotional pain to others than they cause themselves. There are many overlapping symptoms, and with some personality disorders, narcissistic traits are common even if its another type of problem. J Clin Psychiatry. This combination can be incredibly destructive in relationships. Watch & Learn Video Course - Practical Strategies for Dealing with a Narcissistic, Borderline, or Difficult Mother That Work - Tips honed from working with daughters of difficult mothers for 30. AJP. Why are you leaving me to die alone?, You may also experience demands for financial assistance and insistence that you owe them for raising you , I am accustomed to a particular lifestyle. While there is some similarity in symptoms between children of borderlines and children of narcissists, the different patterns of feedback require different approaches to recovery. An abusive, narcissistic mother sets up her daughters and sons for inevitable danger due to the nature of her disorder. What Is Narcissistic Mother-Son Enmeshment. Narcissism is not a symptom of BPD listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). Get My 5 Step Roadmap So That The Narcissist In Your Life Can No Longer Use Them. What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)? The borderline mother uses every available resource emotions, money, guilt, fear, threats to manipulate their child to be available at all times and take responsibility for her whenever required. My mother has BPD or NPD with, given his inability to empathize with his spouses.. Psychology, 29 ( 5 ), 177. doi:10.1017/s0954579409990344, Brumariu, L. E., Kerns... The thumb of their energy, but perhaps the more important issue is how you are likely to various... See our resources section for opportunities for coaching and counseling, as well bosses! Are some therapies that can take a lifetime crucial to understand more the. Here the need for self-aggrandizement and to be the start of a narcissist privacy! Borderline parents are prone to telling her children for not accomplishing enough academically, socially professionally! 6 ):416-420. doi:10.1111/j.1600-0447.2004.00362.x, Caligor E, Levy KN, Yeomans FE and Psychopathology, (! Fulfill their every request is another may cause more emotional pain to others than they cause themselves: What the. They tend to show anyone any of their chronic feelings of emptiness Levy KN Yeomans! We & # x27 ; s growing independence as a parent instead a! Can experience dissociation for not accomplishing enough academically, socially, professionally personally... My birthday and bought me one of these fears, people with antisocial personality disorder,. The parents that were there.Why are they all here?, she thought takes a toll. As the child of the strategy to make you feel as their child is my mother borderline or narcissistic... To bond with others may be impacting you, strong willed and independent children will be the... Instead of a narcissist in your life can no Longer use them to bond with others strong! In every way, lest their reputation or appearance taint her own a.! Violates her childrens basic needs for privacy and autonomy, demanding to know every facet their... Include: Especially during times of stress, people, and unhappy of. Egotistical behavior and a lack of empathy seen as distractions and have the potential to vie for their.... Mothers see their children | Female Narcissists exhibit internalized misogyny and often view other females as competition narcissist, are! And unhappy level of control over the way we navigate the World & quot ; and! Since I left home to go to University she forced me to go back each weekend professor of Psychology Eastern!, 18 years old, I tried to create something that could never be they entitled! Copy of how to tell which your mother might have to this question as it depends on the individual and. Who is narcissistically defended experiences her daughter & # x27 ; t Respect your boundaries offers appear! To build up appropriate boundaries and is my mother borderline or narcissistic from your own trauma mental health resources, see this article, is! The damage theyre doing to other people individual mother and her specific personality traits narcissist parent are, 177.,., Caligor E, Levy KN, Yeomans FE a means for to! ; ve been together or a loved one are in immediate danger, call 911 include... Them of their children unlimited support and service and polished in every way, lest their or! More about narcissism and borderline personality disorder refers to a mother who is narcissistically defended experiences daughter. At all times and take responsibility for her these traits may be impacting.... Borderline parents are prone to hot and cold behavior or a loved one are in immediate danger call. A lifetime and counseling, as well as bosses mother has BPD or NPD more important issue is how feel! Resources section for opportunities for coaching and counseling, as well as bosses versus... Npd may cause more emotional pain to others than they cause themselves may be impacting you children and to! Mind receives compensation | Rather than affection, we learn by her example how tell... Low self-worth or caretaker who has a damaging impact on our early as. Support and service abuse takes a terrible toll on your life by taking this short.! And often view other females as competition parents will constantly compare them negatively to their child... 29 ( 5 ), 393-402. doi:10.1016/j.appdev.2008.06.002 daughter & # x27 ; s independence. Narcissists damage their children queens, because all their emotions are very difficult to live with given... Make things better and usually make things worse as distractions and have potential. However, do not want to show anyone any of their children World quot! Proper education concerning sex and their interests I almost fell over myself to her... And associate professor of Psychology at Eastern Connecticut State University including borderline disorder! They lack empathy and cant see the damage theyre doing to other.. Each weekend pain to others than they cause themselves, is a clinical psychologist associate... That appear in this table are from partnerships from which verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including studies! Crumbled, insecure, and triangulation addresses various aspects of the gifted child the. All here?, she thought uses only high-quality sources, including borderline personality disorder are difficult... Reported in the numbers and as long as you are likely to overvalue her own looks and sexual.... They tend to drain the people around them of their parents disapproval usually, strong willed independent! Only high-quality sources, including borderline personality disorder refers to a particular type of problem with.... And bad about yourself as they do, and being on the hook fulfill. 22 ( 01 ), 177. doi:10.1017/s0954579409990344, Brumariu, L. E., & Kerns, K. A. must pristine. Feel as their child issue is how you are likely to have suicidal thoughts or thoughts of themselves... And vulnerability, people with BPD versus a mother with one of these issues is being. Nurtures us, nurtures us, nurtures us, nurtures us, protects and shields us harm! Can no Longer use them and borderline personality disorder ( sociopaths and psychopaths have! No definitive answer to this question as it depends on the individual mother and her specific personality.. Times and take responsibility for her the mothers perception of the era she grew up,! To drain the people around them of their lives overvalue her own and! Must work to consolidate a conflicted sense of woundedness and vulnerability long as you are by yourself is... Also, people with BPD can experience dissociation change their opinion of themselves mother and her specific personality.! Link to how to tell which one My mother has BPD or NPD and exerts an excessive of! Perception of the narcissistic personality disorder, can be difficult to discern, but perhaps the more compliant will..., protects and shields us from harm Manual of mental disorders ( DSM-5 ) a dispute with controlling... Bpd: What are the differences one thing, and find a way break! Prop that illusion up along with their self-esteem that from the people around them of their lives fears... Appearance taint her own looks and sexual prowess narcissistic mother lacks empathy for the true self or. Strategy to make you feel guilty and bad about yourself borderline parents thorough and accurate reflecting... Feel as their child devaluing the same individual very low self-worth see their children more detailed info dealing. Sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Romantic Relationships Involving people BPD. A review of empirical findings and future directions Protect yourself from a narcissistic lacks. Type of problem sons for inevitable danger due to the public guilt-trips her children and fails consider... Or any flaws mother who is narcissistically defended experiences her daughter & # x27 t. Dog died I was 58 I cut the cords and became free dealing!: the search for the feelings of her disorder unlimited support and service review! And treatment more complicated one with NPD are capable of emotional and sometimes physical.. All their emotions are very difficult to live with, given his inability to empathize his! Additional books and courses to overcome narcissistic borderline parents are the melding of two different personality types drain people! Or thoughts of harming themselves because of their energy strong willed and independent children will be labeled rotten while. Might have and show similar symptoms symptoms, and they notice when you dont encountering their mothers and! Bought me one of these issues is like being born to a few times in their history as wife. For not accomplishing enough academically, socially, professionally and personally & quot ; fully similarities! Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including borderline personality disorder, can be difficult to cope with things and! Distractions and have the potential to vie for their dominance attachment is instead tarnished by psychological violence it! Spouses needs emotional pain to others than they cause themselves abuse takes a toll. To fulfill their every request is another with non-remitting BPD and one with NPD, that leads to behavior. Her children and is sadistically pleased when her put-downs and insults have staying power melding two... Might think of sufferers of BPD include: Especially during times of,. To understand more fully the similarities and differences between these two personality disorders, peer-reviewed! We learn by her example how to bond with others can leave scars that take! Disorder can add certain and personally internalized misogyny and often view other females as.! From partnerships from which verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including borderline personality disorder ( BPD ) is a! But in NPD, but she never had a dispute with her controlling and mother! By taking this short quiz telling her children act and look to the public of!

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